Dear Amy: I grew up in the same town as “Carly,” the woman I later married. Her older sister “Susan” and I were in the same class in high school.
Susan and I were friendly in high school, but I wouldn’t say we were exactly friends. It was a small school.
After college I returned to my hometown when my father got sick and needed help in his business. I met Carly and we fell in love.
Carly and I have a great marriage with two young children.
We are all close with Susan.
Recently Susan pulled me aside and said she wanted to talk to me alone.
OK, no problem.
She told me that she has had feelings for me ever since high school. She said she knew she could never act on those feelings, but that she wanted to be honest about it and that’s why she told me.
I was completely stunned. She urged me not to tell my wife about this and I agreed.
Now I’m not feeling good about that. I don’t feel comfortable with the whole situation and I’m not sure what to do.
– Stuck Husband
Dear Stuck: If you want to stay in a primary and loving relationship with your wife, then you need to tell her about this episode.
Her sister has broken all sorts of norms and violated some pretty basic boundaries, but the one you should be most concerned about is her insistence that you keep this a secret from your wife.
Intimacy involves telling the truth and being brave enough to be honest about a situation that might wound the relationship between your wife and her sister. Holding this bombshell as a secret creates a bond with “Susan” and distance from your wife.
Tell your wife what happened. Tell her that Susan asked you to keep this from her and that you agreed, but that you feel extremely uncomfortable doing so.
I believe that the entire clan can recover from this and move forward (eventually), but this depends on the temperaments of the principal parties.
Your honesty about this will kickstart some awkwardness, but you should refuse to be a party to any subsequent drama. Move through this with complete transparency, and with your wife by your side.
Dear Amy: We live on a street with on-street parking in front of the houses, as well as private driveways.
We have lived here for more than 10 years and basically park peacefully wherever we want to, including using the available on-street parking. We all do that.
We just got new neighbors who seem to want to claim the two spaces in front of their house.
They have posted notices on Facebook and NextDoor, including photos of our cars.
This is really nervy, in my opinion, and I’m not sure how to react.
I don’t want to be a bad neighbor.
– Unsure Neighbor
Dear Unsure: In my opinion, your neighbors are the ones who should worry about being a “bad neighbor.” They are nervy and entitled, and perhaps you should let them know how you feel about these directives by parking wherever you want to park – as long as it is legal and allowable.
Dear Amy: I wanted to address the question about polyamory from “Confused.” When it is done right, polyamorous relationships can be very healthy and loving. They require lots of trust, communication, and compromise, which all healthy relationships need. Yes, polyamorous relationships can end badly, but so can monogamous ones. Monogamy is not some kind of armor against cheating or separation.
The best position from which to dip your toe into polyamory is one where your relationship is already solid and strong.
A lot of couples run into issues when they open a relationship as an attempt to fix underlying issues, or when one partner feels coerced into it. This letter writer describes their relationship as quite happy, and the couple sounds like they’re both interested in trying polyamory.
The best advice I’ve heard on polyamory is to do your research, set boundaries that both partners are comfortable with and feel good about, and check in with each other frequently.
– Don’t Judge
Dear Don’t Judge: Thank you. As I said in my response, “… if you don’t have children at home and can mutually agree to parameters that will allow you to explore your sexual and relationship curiosity with other people while still staying emotionally committed to each other, you might take the leap.”
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
