You know what’s a load of hot, steaming, acrid faeces? When people tell you that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.
What’s the point of the cover, if that’s the case? Show us the cover of a Harry Potter book and we’ll tell you with 100% certainty that it’s not gonna be a biographical account of Joan Capdevila’s role in Spain’s 2010 World Cup triumph.
Similarly, you can tell everything you need to know about a person from their Pro Clubs avatar. It’s clear as day. When you create your Pro Clubs avatar, you’re projecting a version of yourself to the world that others—rightly or wrongly—will judge you by.
We’re going to judge you now. Decide which of the following Pro Clubs cliches best describes your avatar, and we’re going to tell you things about yourself that you mightn’t even have been aware of until now.
The 5’3″, 99lbs featherweight striker
You are a rat of a human being. A straight up rat person. Your passing stats are abysmal and you’ve no interest in an aerial duel. Your right analogue stick is ground down to a nub, and the dinner your mum made you is going cold downstairs.
You’ve given yourself bright pink dreads despite having thin, mousy hair in real life, cut into an abominably harsh “fade” with a pot noodle perm on top.
Go and spend some time with your family and, for god’s sake, maybe have a shower, you little rat.
The big, bald striker with a tucked-in shirt
You are the opposite of the rat person. You aren’t interested in deception or trickery — you’re just here for a scrap. You’re happy to let others show off their skills and do the pretty stuff. You are results-based.
You don’t like music, you don’t believe in seasoning food, and your house smells of dog. However, you are dependable and loyal, and if someone picks on your mate on a night out, they’re getting lamped.
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TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every player from the FIFAPro Teams of the Year 2005-2010?
The CDM
You like to think you’re cerebral and cleverer than your pals because you read a book one time. You’re not — you’re just lazy. That book you read was 90 pages long and the print was massive.
You will avoid work at all costs, even if it means doing more work harder to avoid the work than you would have done if you’d just done the work in the first place.
You are not—and we cannot stress this enough—Andrea Pirlo.
Ultra-realistic central midfielder
If you’ve designed your Pro Clubs avatar to look exactly like you in every way, but with like 15% less body fat, a little more muscles mass, and a jawline that could open a can of soup, you are a benign megalomaniac.
You’ve given your avatar similar abilities to you when you’re down the Power League (but amplified relative to elite-level football, of course) and, do you know what? We’re actually well on board with this. Why wouldn’t you want to be the main character in your own game?
What we will say is that your opinion of yourself is probably much higher than everyone around you’s opinion of you, and all of your colleagues low-key hate you.
Goalkeeper
You hate football. Your sibling has promised you can choose the music in the car for the next month if you join their Pro Clubs team because they’re desperate to be authentic and have a full XI of non-CPU players.
It’s all a joke to you. You keep asking why the players are falling over and why the game won’t let you just run up the pitch with the ball in your hand. All your sibling’s mates have got you on mute. Just pretending you’re not there. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter to you. Blissful indifference.
TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every player to appear on the cover of an edition of FIFA?
The fullback
You’re into recreational drugs in quite a heavy way. You like Skrillex. You were that kid who always got weird injuries and once nearly got crushed by a hay bale.
You have an unusual pet. You keep yourself at an equilibrium with edibles and energy drinks. Yin & yang. Snake & mongoose.
You’re also weirdly brilliant at football IRL. You’ve got that sort of sinewy, deceptive strength. An absolute bastard to play against.
The centre-back
You are an obsessive person. Once you start something, you have to finish it. Not only do you have to finish it — you have to master it.
You’ve never abandoned a jigsaw, you completed played Red Dead Redemption 2 a bunch of times so that you got every possible alternate ending to the game, and you’ve played every other position on the Pro Clubs team.
That’s why you’re the centre-back. It’s a different kettle of fish, playing centre-back.
All about patience and positioning. You won’t stop until you go a full season without conceding a goal. You might benefit from a little bit of CBT.
