DEAR HARRIETTE: My two daughters are a little over a year apart and are in constant competition with each other in every aspect of life.
They are 12 and 13 years old, and they constantly fight with each other about who has better grades, who’s more athletic or who is prettier.
It started off as regular sibling banter, but now I feel as if it has progressed to something more serious and intense. Their rivalry is affecting our family dynamic and causing a lot of tension at home.
They are always comparing themselves to each other, which leads to frequent arguments and feelings of inadequacy.
I worry that this ongoing competition is damaging my daughters’ relationship and their self-esteem. Instead of supporting and uplifting each other, they seem to be tearing each other down. I want them to have a healthy relationship and to be able to celebrate each other’s successes rather than viewing them as threats.
I’m at a loss for how to address this issue effectively. How can I encourage them to see each other as allies rather than adversaries?
— Tough Competition
DEAR TOUGH COMPETITION: Your daughters need some separation.
Can you put them in two different summer camps during the day or even for a week or more this summer? Enroll them in separate extracurricular events that interest them individually. In this way, they will have different stories to share.
They may still compete, but hopefully they will meet new friends and begin to have experiences that distract from their sisterly gripes.
They are at a competitive age, but you are right to want to reinforce love rather than envy. Remind them that family is important and that you always want them to have each other.
Invite them to stop picking each other apart and to step away when they can’t seem to stop. Enroll them in a yoga class so they can learn deep breathing and other techniques to calm themselves from the inside out.
DEAR HARRIETTE: During a recent team meeting, my co-worker “Alex” presented an idea that I had shared with him over a cup of coffee. He claimed it as his own and received praise from our boss while I sat there feeling frustrated and overlooked.
This is not the first time Alex has taken credit for my contributions, and it’s starting to lower my morale at work.
Our boss hates conflict, especially between employees, but I want to address this situation with Alex professionally to ensure proper recognition in the future. At the same time, I might just stop talking to him altogether.
— Credit Grabber
DEAR CREDIT GRABBER: You should definitely stop sharing your ideas with Alex. He has proven to be untrustworthy.
Keep your conversations to a minimum, but don’t act upset. That would give him more power. Just be pleasant and light.
In the future, if Alex — or anyone else — steals an idea from you, pipe up in the meeting and take it back. You can say, “Yes, Alex. That’s exactly what I was describing to you the other day. I’m glad you like my idea.” Or you can build allyships with other employees who also know your idea and can speak up on your behalf when Alex tries to claim your idea as his own.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
