Miss Manners: Should I tell my husband that I understand his native language?

8 June 2024

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I do not speak the same native language. As our marriage progresses, I am learning his language — an endeavor he knows about and supports.

He is very close to his large family, and he spends a lot of time talking on the phone to them in his language.

In the beginning, he rightly assumed that I didn’t understand anything he said in his phone conversations. However, as I learn, I pick up bits and pieces.

I don’t know if I should assume he knows that I understand some of his conversations now, or if not, if I should tell him.

As for the people he is talking to, do I have an obligation to let them know I am around? Or is that up to my husband?

GENTLE READER: When someone is on the telephone (or on any other one-sided technology), the polite thing for others in the room to do is pretend that they do not hear — even if the conceit is comically transparent. That you previously did not understand what was being said on your husband’s calls made this ruse that much easier.

Your only obligation to your husband is to warn him that you now understand much of what he is saying. Miss Manners is not suggesting that your husband is deliberately keeping anything from you — only that it would be jarring for him to have you ask, “What did you mean when you said we weren’t sure if we were going to the Bahamas this winter? I thought we had decided.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed that many restaurant servers take orders without writing them down. This includes orders with several exceptions, such as “no cheese, dressing on the side, veggies instead of fries,” etc.

This tends to make my husband and me nervous. The orders usually come out just right, but nonetheless, we await our meals with some anxiety.

When an order comes out wrong, and it had not been written down, would we be within our rights to withhold a tip (or at least to significantly reduce it)? I think it might be rude to ask a server to write down the order if he or she doesn’t want to.

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Miss Manners: Should I tell my husband that I understand his native language?

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